Invisible

          New year! One step closer, one step away.
 I always thought it's pretty easy to shut out the unholy truth- pressing my palms firmly against my ears I pretend that I haven't a clue as to what's going on. Slowly the murmurs die down, the expressions change, and nature changes its course too.

             I detest resolutions. And I detest social networking. And I also detest people who (ex)claim that they looove dogs, though I do not particularly hate the species myself. Perhaps I would enjoy human life as a primitive being. Sometimes I wonder if I’m essentially hostile. May be twenty years from now, school children will call me all sorts of names and steal flowers from my garden. I look in the mirror and try to picture myself with crazy hair and brittle limbs. I think I like children, as long as they are not mine.

           I had awaited this moment, feared it, anticipated the consequences and yet approached it like the moth approaches the flames. Applying a clichéd romantic metaphor to describe the one monumental confrontation of my otherwise dreary life is not something I longed for and neither was ‘the confrontation’, a grandiose Shakespearean episode, where nature conspired with the occult and orchestrated thunderous roar and torrential downpour, preceded by a monologue. It was a ping.

             The inauspicious green dot sent streams of alarms through my body. The nervous system is exceptionally sensitive in matters pertaining to the heart. The one thought was to be ‘invisible’; the one thing that had haunted me for most of my life on campus. It was unnecessary, which I realised only much later, because I was invisible to the people on campus. Only this time there was an option- a ‘invisible’ option. Much to my surprise, it only complicated things- and also taught me a thing or two about the human psyche.

                I decided to end the relentless staring of the tumultuous one minute and a half. I blinked. Nothing changed. The green dot was still sitting pretty right on the top. It was time to put an end to this obscure complicated relationship with a chat application. I almost clicked on the ‘go offline’ option, and there it was: the life altering ping.

·         Hey!

·         Hey..

·         Ssup.. I saw u the other day..

·         I know. I saw u.

·         You’ve gained some flesh it seems.

·         Yeah.. I know.

·         You used to be quite slim

·         Yeah..

·         Blah blah blah

·         Bla bla bla

                        I was more like an invalid around him, always a non-entity. And I liked it, partly because I didn't want to stammer if he spoke to me and partly because I could stare at him without getting caught. Later at nights I would fantasise about him, about one particularly profound look of his that I caught or a funny chuckle. And even now, my increasing waistline or my receding hairline never came in the way of my imaginations with the exception of today. I felt old. It was no longer difficult to imagine myself with crazy hair and worn out limbs.

                       The naked branches of the corpse like trees will be covered in lavish foliage soon. I shall neatly arrange the pile of redundant thoughts and lock them away in a rusty box and I won’t blink. As planet earth duly completes its revolutionary circle around the blazing sun, my resolutions take shape, only to wither away in drunken fit of frenzy. I squash them beneath my spear sharp heels, as the newborn sun peeks from the horizon of a mundane world.